This Ain’t Hell

….but it sure feels like it. The weather I mean. Its horrible here in Boston. Hot Humid — EW.

I have recently started a treatment program for Borderline Personality Disorder. I had my misgivings, leaving University for a semester, being ‘alone’ in Boston, my parents financing yet another treatment program, and such. But my first day wasn’t so bad. Today was my second and I met with my new therapist and I actually feel somewhat hopeful. I am generally a positive person actually,  only sometimes my alter ego takes over and I begin to get somewhat down on myself.

I had never been in a treatment program that wasn’t centered around eating disorders and if it were up to me every program would be like this even the eating disorder ones. The problem with eating disorders is that when you put a bunch of Type A people together (at least from my experience battling Anorexia) it tends to foster a competitive environment — mostly subconciously between the group memebrs.

But this way, and I mean doing DBT, and general therapy groups without talking about the disorder people can openly talk about their feelings and then address the physical health side of it with a specialized team of Doctors.

Anyhow, beside my rant..I have been doing well in terms of eating. By well I mean it has been ‘normal’ and no binges, but not up to par with where I would like to be. This morning I had an ice tea, a yogurt with almonds and half an apple. I think I am dairy intolerant because I had the worst reaction to breakfast. Then for lunch I had a DELICIOUS salad from this place called Life Alive in Boston. Check it out. www.lifealive.com.

I went grocery shopping and then lugged all the stuff back home. I also found out Shaws carries GT Kombucha, who knew!!!!!

Now I am just snacking on some delicious cherries and trying to cool down. My hair is not built for this. I look like a Lion.

Sex and the City

Normally watching Sex and the City cuddled up with a glass of red wine would make me feel better instantly. Not today. Its not a totally depressing story this one, it actually ends well.

Anywhoooo. This time while watching Sex and the City, I felt ugly and fat and socially inept. I also started to feel unsure of some of my relationships.

1. I love the liberal nature that this show presents to relationships and sex but at the same time there is a very “looks” based nature to the show that paints people like Miranda in an awful lighting.

2. Carrie. Carrie. Carrie. What is with this girl??? Re-watching it now, and maybe it is because I am being so cynical now but dear lord this girl is the worst friend. She is so self-centered, and takes every possible chance. She is also way to whiny. It seems like when people critique this character they talk about her shoe habit. I love shoes, and I have a bad shoe habit as well, I dont blame her for it. But I feel like Carrie would be the type of person to spend 500 on a pair of Manolo’s and then telll a friend she can’t pay for lunch.

3. The show is incredibly UN-liberating. I have never felt so bad about being single in my life.

4. LOOKS LOOKS LOOKS LOOKS MONEY LOOKS LOOKS LOOKS. Fun when you are feeling good, horrible when you want to curl up in a ball.

J

Millionare

So, I have not updated this in a while.

Since my last post things have been incredibly rocky. For a week after I was doing well but now I am just binging again. I keep saying tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll get back on the bandwagon. But I am committed. I am going to do work tomorrow and at least take a short walk outside.

In the meantime, I have been watching a lot of TV. One thing that has been on the TV quite a lot is Millionare Matchmaker:

This show astounds me. It is so incredibly misogynistic. I understand the matchmaking service. Thats all fine and dandy, but the way in which she goes about picking women is incredible to me. Maybe I shouldn’t be so suprised, since the women who would choose to join a ‘millionare’ matchmaking service would have to be pretty interesting themselves. Anyhow, she has them line up and instead of talking to any of them, stands them up and then begins to point out all of their flaws.

I even saw a version of the show that had a gay bachelor and she profiled the guys in the exact same manner. Matchmaking if anything is not just about looks. Sure, physical attraction is incredibly important but the values showcased in this show just made me cringe. Looks, money, sex appeal…and occasionaly interest in career.

Patti herself is not a perfect woman and seems extremely strong (and I know she is trying to please these millionares, of whom the only one I like was the gay millionare) but she adverstises that only sex appeal will a relationship make and that women are and should be at the beckon call of the men.

Where are the millionare women? Why is it ok for men millionares not to have partners and seek them out through a service, but when women do so it makes them look weak?

Thoughts?

J

I’ve Had Enough

I feel like that is something I say often. I’ve had enough, I am going to change it all. But its less often that I actually make actions to change it all.

Hi, my name is Julia. I am a University student who is living in Boston for the next couple of months trying to take control of my life, and assume a healthy and balanced lifestyle.

Some background:

Highschool: I was always overweight in Highschool, at least by 20 pounds. Starting sophomore year I would always lose between 10-15 pounds in the summer time and then end up gaining it and more. Starting January of my Senior year, I was deferred from my top choice University and increasingly became depressed. I therefore, focused on my ‘health’ and decided to get on a workout regime. By mid-April I had lost some 25 pounds and my heart wasn’t doing so well. From then on I ended up losing anothe 20 pounds while in treatment. That summer since I had lost so much weight I went to hopstial for in-patient treatment.

University: Come time for University. I will have you know I ended up getting into my top choice school. I had gained back the healthy amount of weight and was now at the very low end of the BMI for my height. I was so excited to be starting out at school and obviously wan’t to maintain my health regime. I ended up losing 15 pounds, and was back in the danger zone. So I panicked, they said if I didn’t gain the weight I would have to go back into treatment. I started gaining weight and for a while up until I it was Christmas time I was doing a good job. It very quickly however turned into events of binging and purging. Then in February, a friend of my at school died very suddenly in a hit and run. Things started to spiral from there. I was in a cycle of binging and purging and restricting. When I was in treatment before, it seemed that I had neglected to admit that I had emotional issues that I needed to conquer as well. I will just come out and say it, I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Hopefully I will get to talk about that more in this Blog.

That summer I came home and got my act back together with LOADS of help. I entered sophomore year better than ever. Things were good up until February and then like clockwork I was in a downward spiral only this time I wasn’t restricting or purging. I became extremely depressed and hardly left my room and ate and ate. I gained more weight than I ever have and as a result weigh more than I have since sophomore year of highschool. Obviosuly this is incredibly upsetting but at the same time I am trying to get my BPD in control.

Currently: So, now in the middle of my University career I am taking some time off to get things under control so I can finally achieve to the best of my potential.

I am comitted to this, my life depends on it.

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